Photo Friday...

Picnic in the park.

Tony and I got subway and found a spot in a park to enjoy the evening.

Photo Friday - {Wedding Silliness}

I just can't do it

I feel like we've hit a fork in the road. Either road we take is going to be a sacrifice. One way will offer an opportunity to pay down debt quickly but we will more than likely sacrifice space, privacy and possibly a "safe" feeling environment. The other road will provide a familiar space but won't offer much in the way of moving our family forward, financially. 

I asked Tony last night, "do I need to get a job?" to which he responded, "I really don't see that being beneficial if we had to pay for care for Amelia". 

My mind reeled last night as I tried to sleep. After about 2 hours of tossing and turning I got up, sat at the computer and looked for jobs. I found a Pre-K position and thought, "OK, I will apply for that in the morning and that will help solve our financial woes."

Amelia and I woke around 8, after her sleeping for 12 hours!!! I changed, fed and played with her for a little while then sat at the computer. My printer spit out close to 8 pages of the application and so I sat on the couch to fill it out. Name, address, position applying for then it all started to crumble around me. That question, full time or part time? I looked over at Amelia playing with her toys on the floor and couldn't imagine myself leaving her for 8 hours every day of the week. It made me sick to my stomach. Yes, there are sacrifices that need to be made in order to move this family into the successful future we dream about. Leaving our daughter, full time, is not one I'm willing to make. I would consider a part time schedule but even then the question remains, "Is it worth it? Would my paycheck just be paying for childcare and gas, when I could be home all day with her?"

Just a few days old

I have read the struggles of Shelly from her blog and her story always pops into my head. All she wanted to be was a stay at home mom but had to make the sacrifice for her family to work while her husband looked for work. I am so beyond happy for her that she has finally gotten her wish. She talks honestly and openly about her inner struggle with not being with her twins when they were babies. Even though I am not in the same situation, I value her input as a stay at home mom and believe whole heartedly that my "job" is to stay with my babies to give them that firm foundation that will be needed in their lives. It should not be my expectation that someone else raise my children. Of course there will be influences other than myself, and yes that makes for a more rounded upbringing, after all they do say, "It takes a village to raise a child".

I have seen the children who are at childcare for 6, 10, 12 hours a day. They are (in some cases) angry, sad and confused. I have had to be the teacher who comforts these children because they don't understand why they have to be away from their parents for so long.

I do not blame parents for making the decision to leave their children in the care of others. I understand the sacrifices that have to be made to support your family. I also understand the hurt and guilt (for most) that accompany's leaving your child, screaming and crying as you walk out the door for work. It is not something I can do at this point in time. 

What road do we take? Do we want to be somewhat comfortable in this apartment for a couple more years, or do we want to make that sacrifice and move to a smaller place or possibly in with someone? I know it will feel amazing to be knocking huge boulders out of our mountain of debt and to finally say, "we are living debt free!". My student loans will ALWAYS be there, but if we can get to a place where we are not charging things, it truly will be freeing. 

Our first anniversary, I was 8 months pregnant!

We do know one thing for sure. This won't break us. We are a family, we make decisions together. It will be hard and frustrating, but we will make it through. We don't blame each other or fight about money, or other things for that matter, which I am so thankful for. What's the use in fighting? Make a decision and stick to it! Fighting and arguing is a waste of time. 

Our little girl needs me, needs us. 

Hanging our in her crib after a couple days at home.

Feelings of change are upon me, and I better get on board or I might be swept away by feelings of sadness, and hopelessness. Those feelings are normal and to be expected but I wont let them consume me. Our lives are forever changing, you never know what will be thrown your way.

(Shelly, I hope I haven't offended you in any way. I am always paranoid of how I make other people feel. I truly look forward to what little nugget of knowledge I can take away from you when I read your posts.)

{I'm not sure why the format is weird and I don't like it!}

WAcky WedneSDAY

All gums

Not so much a bad picture. It reminds me of myself when I'm trying to be silly in pictures.