Photo Friday...

Picnic in the park.

Tony and I got subway and found a spot in a park to enjoy the evening.

Photo Friday - {Wedding Silliness}

I just can't do it

I feel like we've hit a fork in the road. Either road we take is going to be a sacrifice. One way will offer an opportunity to pay down debt quickly but we will more than likely sacrifice space, privacy and possibly a "safe" feeling environment. The other road will provide a familiar space but won't offer much in the way of moving our family forward, financially. 

I asked Tony last night, "do I need to get a job?" to which he responded, "I really don't see that being beneficial if we had to pay for care for Amelia". 

My mind reeled last night as I tried to sleep. After about 2 hours of tossing and turning I got up, sat at the computer and looked for jobs. I found a Pre-K position and thought, "OK, I will apply for that in the morning and that will help solve our financial woes."

Amelia and I woke around 8, after her sleeping for 12 hours!!! I changed, fed and played with her for a little while then sat at the computer. My printer spit out close to 8 pages of the application and so I sat on the couch to fill it out. Name, address, position applying for then it all started to crumble around me. That question, full time or part time? I looked over at Amelia playing with her toys on the floor and couldn't imagine myself leaving her for 8 hours every day of the week. It made me sick to my stomach. Yes, there are sacrifices that need to be made in order to move this family into the successful future we dream about. Leaving our daughter, full time, is not one I'm willing to make. I would consider a part time schedule but even then the question remains, "Is it worth it? Would my paycheck just be paying for childcare and gas, when I could be home all day with her?"

Just a few days old

I have read the struggles of Shelly from her blog and her story always pops into my head. All she wanted to be was a stay at home mom but had to make the sacrifice for her family to work while her husband looked for work. I am so beyond happy for her that she has finally gotten her wish. She talks honestly and openly about her inner struggle with not being with her twins when they were babies. Even though I am not in the same situation, I value her input as a stay at home mom and believe whole heartedly that my "job" is to stay with my babies to give them that firm foundation that will be needed in their lives. It should not be my expectation that someone else raise my children. Of course there will be influences other than myself, and yes that makes for a more rounded upbringing, after all they do say, "It takes a village to raise a child".

I have seen the children who are at childcare for 6, 10, 12 hours a day. They are (in some cases) angry, sad and confused. I have had to be the teacher who comforts these children because they don't understand why they have to be away from their parents for so long.

I do not blame parents for making the decision to leave their children in the care of others. I understand the sacrifices that have to be made to support your family. I also understand the hurt and guilt (for most) that accompany's leaving your child, screaming and crying as you walk out the door for work. It is not something I can do at this point in time. 

What road do we take? Do we want to be somewhat comfortable in this apartment for a couple more years, or do we want to make that sacrifice and move to a smaller place or possibly in with someone? I know it will feel amazing to be knocking huge boulders out of our mountain of debt and to finally say, "we are living debt free!". My student loans will ALWAYS be there, but if we can get to a place where we are not charging things, it truly will be freeing. 

Our first anniversary, I was 8 months pregnant!

We do know one thing for sure. This won't break us. We are a family, we make decisions together. It will be hard and frustrating, but we will make it through. We don't blame each other or fight about money, or other things for that matter, which I am so thankful for. What's the use in fighting? Make a decision and stick to it! Fighting and arguing is a waste of time. 

Our little girl needs me, needs us. 

Hanging our in her crib after a couple days at home.

Feelings of change are upon me, and I better get on board or I might be swept away by feelings of sadness, and hopelessness. Those feelings are normal and to be expected but I wont let them consume me. Our lives are forever changing, you never know what will be thrown your way.

(Shelly, I hope I haven't offended you in any way. I am always paranoid of how I make other people feel. I truly look forward to what little nugget of knowledge I can take away from you when I read your posts.)

{I'm not sure why the format is weird and I don't like it!}

WAcky WedneSDAY

All gums

Not so much a bad picture. It reminds me of myself when I'm trying to be silly in pictures. 

I Haven't Forgotten About You

Oh my dear heavens!!!

Do you ever get the overwhelming urge to be creative? I do! I went to Jo-Anns yesterday just to wonder around while Tony was at the bank and my mind went into hyperactive craft mode. So many projects I wanted to get my hands on and so many ideas swirl around and around. I would look at one thing and think of everything I could do with it, making mental notes of what to go look at next. My brain has problems organizing thoughts while I'm in craft stores, so I inevitably just end up feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I'm sure my picture is up in the back room, warning employees of this lady who just comes in and wonders, looking VERY suspicious. I want to knit, I want to cross stitch and embroider, I want to scrapbook, I want to sew purses, aprons, and clothes. Why this sudden gush of creative urges? This happens to me about 1-2 times a month. Is it the feeling of something missing, unfulfilled? It's just that uneasy feeling. Do I have ADHD? 

I've been thinking a lot about my previous job and how I miss the creative process of planning and implementing lessons for my 4-5 year olds. I don't miss working, I miss the art of constructing. I sat at the computer and looked for curriculum writing jobs for about 5 minutes then decided I just needed to sit down and sew!

But, seriously... Do you get these urges? Why do you think this happens? 

And even when I do sit down to work on this Amelia quilt, I find that I have to convince myself to just FINISH specific parts of the blanket. I MADE myself sit there and finish the inner blocks, "OK, you only have 15 more to do. OK, now you only have 6 more to do. Look, you only have 2 more!".

Someone psychologize me please. I'm feeling very confused.

The mini mini blocks

The mini blocks sewn into groups of 4.  3 piles of 10= 30 blocks

My thread pile. What a waste, poor thread.

I AM really excited that I can now put the borders around these blocks. You can see the design here if you haven't seen it yet. 

My soft squishy bed (back killer) is calling to me. Night night friends.

Heartbreaker!

Photo Friday

First Flight

Amelia and I flew down to see my mom this last weekend. I was extremely nervous for her first flight and how she would react to the pressure changes as well as sitting on my lap for a good 4 hrs (2 flights). 

SHE DID AMAZING!!! 

I had to wake her at 4am the morning we left, and as usual she always wakes up in a happy mood. She remained awake until we took off at 6am. She fell right to sleep as the plane taxied out to the runway, I think it closely resembled being in the car. It was a smaller plane so all the bumps were felt. She simply laid back and closed her eyes, no fuss. About 20-30 minutes later she awoke (happy) and flirted with those sitting around us. On our final descent down into San Francisco she fell BACK to sleep. The flight time was about an hour and a half.

I found out our gate had changed for our next flight back up to Arcata, CA. But thankfully it was right next to the original one, so we didn't have to go far. The flight was delayed due to fog in Arcata, we boarded about an hour late. Again she fell asleep on takeoff, slept for another 20-30 minutes and woke up. At some point I fed her, I can't remember which flight it was :D

Amelia waiting in San Fran... happy as can be

 Unfortunately the day we arrived we had to attend a graveside service for my mom's cousin. The day was a whirlwind. After the service we drove down to Fortuna for a gathering at a chinese place. Later we drove BACK up to Arcata to see my cousin's softball game. Then it was back to their house for pizza and hangout time. Amelia LOVES little kids!!! She was so entertained by my three little cousins, she was awake the whole time we were there, playing and laughing with everyone.

Amelia rocking her baby to sleep

Sunday was amazingly sunny!!! Mom and I wondered around Eureka's shops and got some used and new books. I sunburnt my left ear!!!

Amelia and Grammy by the marina

Tuesday, the day I was scheduled to leave at 6pm, mom and I hit the Eureka Zoo. It used to be a free zoo but now it's 5.00 admission for adults. 

Amelia sitting on a "horse" in the barnyard area of the Zoo

After the zoo we got the chance to hang out with the family before I had to leave.

Amelia and I sitting in the Arcata airport waiting to board

We checked in, went through security and waited for our plane to arrive. If you have ever seen Wings, the TV show, the Arcata airport is somewhat similar. It's just a teeny bit bigger. 

I let her rip up the Skymall magazine. 

The trip home was a little different with Amelia. The plane ride to San Fran wasn't too bad but she was definitely tired and refused to sleep. By the time we were getting ready to land she was almost dozing off, but I had to rouse her in order to get off of the plane. 

Our connecting flight back to Portland was in the international terminal. As soon as I got off of the plane in San Fran I strapped Amelia into the Ergo, put on my back pack and grabbed my rolling suitcase. I felt like a "do it all mom". I'm sure people were thinking, "oh that poor lady! she's all alone". But it felt amazing to be able to do this on my own. Yes, it would have been a lot easier if someone had been with me. 

Amelia's cheesy face {love}

I waited until almost everyone was on the plane because this was a significantly larger one than the others we had been on. I didn't want to sit on the plane with a tired baby while EVERYONE was loading. Well, I for sure should have gotten on first. By the time I was loading they had run out of over head bin space for roller bags so we had to wait outside the plane for someone to come and gate check our baggage. I found my seat and had to have people help me get my Ergo off because it was all tangled up with my backpack. The lady sitting next to me offered to hold Amelia while I got situated in my seat. I wasn't hesitant at all, you take all the help you can get when alone. I stuffed my backpack between my legs and wall (window seat), tucked the Ergo under my arm and took Amelia. She proceeded to SCA-REAM during the whole taxi and take off. While we were making our way into the air I managed to dig her bottle and formula out of the backpack and mix it for her. She ate and passed out for the rest of the flight. I was BEYOND hot in that seat!!! I was sweaty, she was sweaty and I couldn't reach my air nozzle. Nor did I want to TRY to reach it in fear that my armpit would smother my seat neighbor.

We landed about 15 minutes early and I decided that I would sit there and let everyone de-board so I could have room and time to put the Ergo back on, as well as gather my backpack and the formula pack that fell under the seat. I stood and laid Amelia on the seat as she continued to sleep. I somehow managed to put everything on, loaded her up and out I went!!!

We were sure happy to see daddy. After we got home I gave Amelia a bath because by that time she was up and playing with dad on our bed. It was bed, bottle and bedtime which ended up around 12am. She slept until almost 8am, had another bottle and slept till 10. Amazingly she went down for her nap at noon and slept for 2 1/2 hrs then stayed awake until bedtime at 6:30 (are you lost yet?). WOW.

That trip with all the plane rides was far more enjoyable than a 10 hr car ride.
I would do it again.